In 2018, I opened up the year as a self-published author. Talked and prayed a few women off the cliff. Stopped and started a few services. Experienced my wife walking out on me after 6 1/2 years of trying to properly love each other and failing. I went through the emotional roller coaster of filing for divorce. I went broke trying to adjust, living pay check to check. I gave my last to people who didn't know I couldn't help myself let alone help them, without asking for it back. I had too many thoughts of suicide, thinking maybe my legacy would be more profound than remaining in the physical form. I dreadfully confirmed infertility again while watching her start a family elsewhere and genuinely being happy for my sisters and two close friends announcing their pregnancy. I suffered from the worse depression since my diagnosis 3 years ago. Hated myself and my circumstances and sulked in it. I gave up on God as I struggled to get up every morning and be this awesome woman everyone depended on. I loss the backbones of my lineage my Great Grandpa Jesse in June and his wife of 75 years, my Great Grandma Lola went home to be with him in October. In between both of their deaths, I also loss my Uncle Ronnie. I didn't cook. I didn't clean. I didn't eat. I went through all my personal damage alone not sharing with a soul, afraid of judgement of not being "tenacious Tee". I blocked out vulnerability and 'showed up' proud and undefeated. I PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DIED!
In 2018, I also fought to define my happiness. Cleaned up my credit and learned to budget and save, without doing something strange for some change (lol), borrowing or taking out a loan. I learned to love properly and unlearned habits keeping me from being loved properly. I took life more seriously. Allowed myself to be vulnerable. Hosted annual events that uplifted women and inspired me. I loved on myself while owning my faults in my divorce and distant friendships. I welcomed new acts of love and I am so happy that I did. I wrote a tell all book and decided that story was not worth publishing. Started a blog and put it on hold to write the right book. Studied to become a certified travel agent. Traveled through the States and out of the Country. Met inspiring women and created sisterhoods. Redefined my worth. Took major risk. I cooked (and low key fell in love with it). I cleaned (and let go of so many tangible possessions). I got myself healthy (more exercise coming soon, lol). I forgave and prayed for myself and others. I opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I was everything I needed that I searched for in someone else. I found happiness within and allowed it to shine outward. I practiced what I preached and indulged in self-care. I leaned on God more than ever. I evolved into a woman I can be proud of. I MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY & SPIRITUALLY LIVED!
I lived, died, and lived again all in the same year. I learned that the power to live or to die mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually and sometimes physically was always in my reach. I just had to decide which one I wanted more, grab it, own it and take my power back.
I chose to LIVE!
For the next 31 days reflect on how you will LIVE and what things (mindset/environment/relationships/friendships/habits) need to DIE (shift/change) in order for YOU to LIVE now, in 2019 and beyond. Take action to Simply.Live.As.You!
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Leo Tolstoy
~Be Blessed, Be Empowered,
Tanesha 'Ms. Tee' Morrison, published author (formally Welch)
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